I recently got done listening to the audiobook version of The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. I found the information to be so uplifting and helpful that I felt it was important to share what I learned about what is called the Let Them Theory. I decided on this book because I had seen it advertised many times. I felt like I often struggle with the opinions of others and the actions of others, therefore I figured I would give it a shot. But it ended up being more than just about that. I thought that "Let Them" sounded almost too simple. But the more I listened, the more I realized how much energy we waste trying to control things that were never ours to control.
So...What exactly is the "Let Them Theory"?
Let them means to let other people do whatever they are going to say or do. We often get tied up in trying to control other people, their thoughts, and what people do, that it makes us miserable. We cannot control other people. We cannot control their choices, opinions, behaviors, or feelings. We want so badly to be able to, but we cannot. It is just the reality. Trying to control these things physically drains us. It mentally drains us and makes us feel that we are not good enough.
Ultimately we have to just accept what others do. But there is a difference between accepting someone's behavior and approving of it. To accept it is to come to terms with it and admit that they are going to do what they do. This does not mean you have to approve of it. You do not have to pretend to agree with it or support it, just accept it. It is not about becoming passive or letting people treat you badly, it is about letting go of that piece of you that wants to please others.
The Part We Can't Forget: "Let Me"
The one thing that we can control, is ourself. we can control how we deal with things. One of the scenarios that she had to deal with, was one where her friends went on a trip without her. She felt alone and betrayed. But then she took a step back and realized that she wasn't actually putting in any efforts into staying close with them, and hadn't seen them in a while. So, that made her realize that if she wanted them to include her she had to say "Let Me", let me reach out to them and show that I care.
For Example:
Let them make their choice.
Let me decide how I respond.
Let them misunderstand me.
Let me stop exhausting myself trying to change their mind.
Let them show me who they are.
Let me decide whether they still deserve access to me.
Why "Let Them" Is So Hard
There are so many things that make trying to follow this theory so hard. We want people to like us. We have a natural fear of rejection. Often times we like to please people. We want closure to certain things. We want to try to fix relationships for various reasons. We feel responsible for other people's emotions. We want people to understand our side. We have fear of losing people. We believe we can change someone if we just try hard enough. But see, how much of our peace do we sacrifice trying to make other people behave the way we wish they would?
What This Made Me Think About in My Own Life
In my life, I have on many occasions tried to keep someone in my life when I shouldn't. It is that classic one-way road of effort. Although it is hard, we must be willing to see that someone is giving us all the signs that they do not want to be with you or be friends with you. It is time to start paying attention, even when it hurts.
For many years, I used to care so much about what other people think of me. I went to great lengths to try to convince people I was a good person. But I realized that the most important question is: Do you like yourself? If your answer is no, then you have to make active changes. If the answer is yes, then that means you are doing everything you need to do.
There have been many times that I felt that I was responsible for someone's happiness. It often times was in romantic relationships. I would dote on them and do everything they wanted me to do. But I realized that I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness but my own. You can try to cheer someone up, but you can't change their overall happiness. I ultimately had to walk away because I realized that they were draining my own happiness.
"Let Them" Doesn't Mean "Let Them Hurt You"
Just because we are saying let them, let them do what they are going to do, that doesn't mean that we are just ignoring their behaviors. For example, someone can choose to disrespect you. Let them. But you can choose not to continue participating in a relationship where you're being disrespected. Let me. This is when creating healthy boundaries comes in handy. Again, you can only control what YOU do. So, someone is treating you badly, you can and should allow them to walk away, or choose to walk away on your own.
The Biggest Lessons I'm taking From the Book
Other people's opinions of me aren't mine to manage. I know I have touched on this point a lot, but it is truly a huge point. Think about it, we base our lives on the opinions of others. Obviously there is a certain level of care we need to have in this area. We can't just not care about how we dress or act all the time. This would certainly derail our lives. So certain times we will need to consider the opinions of others.
People's actions give me information. Sometimes we don't know where someone stands on something. But actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to how people treat you and what they do, that will tell you everything you need to know. Let's take a super common example for this: you are in a relationship and you get cheated on. Now, let's say you choose to take them back, people make mistakes. They apologize and say it will never happen again. Then you realize that they did it again. You can either see that someone is clearly not trust worthy and walk away, or you can continue the cycle over and over again.
I do not have to choose people who don't choose me. We all want people to want us in the same capacity that we want them. However, if someone is not reaching out and it feels like you are the only person who wants to make things work, then you probably are. Let go of those who do not show you the effort that you deserve.
Protecting my peace sometimes means allowing people to be disappointed in me. Sometimes you have to make choices and say things that will lose people. People in our lives want certain things from us. If we choose a path is deviates from their vision for us, we can be choosing to disappoint someone in the end. But the whole point is, let them be disappointed. Your peace is more important than anything or anyone. The only person you will spend your entire life with is you.
Who I Think Should Read The Let Them Theory
I recommend it to someone who:
- Overthinks what everyone thinks of them
- Struggles with people-pleasing
- Has troubles setting boundaries
- Keeps chasing people who pull away
- Feels responsible for fixing everyone
- Struggles to walk away from unhealthy relationships
- Has a hard time accepting that they can't control other people's choices
Final Thoughts — Let Them. Let Me.
This book doesn't mean I will suddenly stop caring what people think or stop being hurt by the actions of others. I'm human, and those things will still affect me. But now I have a different way of looking at them. I cannot control whether someone likes me, chooses me, or treats me the way I wish they would. I can only control how I respond. Sometimes that means setting boundaries, walking away, or simply choosing my own peace.
Putting this theory into practice won't always be easy, but when I fnd myself trying to control something that isn't mine to control, I hope I can remind myself of two simple words: Let them.
And then ask myself an even more important question: What will I let me do?
Let them. Let me. And let yourself grow.
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