The Timeline I Thought I'd Have
This past Sunday I turned 30 years old. There are so many things I thought I would have done or accomplished by now. It is hard to feel like there isn't a rush on things in life. But there really isn't. I thought that by now I would be done with my degree, have started my career, be married, and have at least one child. But turns out I am a year out from finishing my bachelors, I have not started my career, I am not married, and I do not have any kids. But that is okay. Everyone goes at their own pace. I actually have a tattoo on my ankle that says "run the race of life at your own pace". I felt this was so fitting for me because life does feel like a race sometimes.
The Comparison Trap
This is something that I am so guilty of. I sit there and go on social media and see so many of my friends getting married and having children. It makes me feel like man, when is that going to happen for me? I thought I would already be there by now. But it is important to remember that everything happens for a reason. There is no deadline to complete any step in life, no matter how much it feels that way. Another thing to keep in mind, social media gives us a highlight reel without showing everything behind it. We may think someone has a perfect life, or they are hitting milestones before you. But you do not see what happens beyond that social media post. Things aren't always what they seem.
What Does "Behind" Even Mean?
There are many instances where "behind" does apply. You can be behind in a race, behind someone in line, or behind on work. But behind does not ever apply when it comes to life. Who even decided when we're "supposed" to accomplish certain things? No one. That is the truth of it. No one has determined that you have to do anything at any given pace. We just assume that we are supposed to do certain things. There is no universal deadline for graduating, finding your career, getting married, buying a house, having children, etc.
People start over at 30, 40, 50, 60 and beyond. Take me for instance. I am 30 and still working on a degree that most people finish when they are 21. My own father had gone back to college and gotten a degree when he was around 40. There really is no timeline in which we need to accomplish anything in life. Taking longer doesn't automatically mean failing. You cannot be behind when everyone is running a different race.
The Things We Don't Count as Progress
Sometimes we only count the giant milestones and completely ignore everything else. There are so many things that are really quite big accomplishments that we just let go as not a big deal when in reality, they are actually a big deal.
These could be things such as:
- Leaving situations that weren't good for you.
- Learning boundaires.
- Going back to school.
- Changing careers.
- Working on your mental health.
- Becoming more independent.
- Learning what you actually want.
- Surviving period of life you weren't sure you'd get through.
- Becoming kinder to yourself.
These are all excellent examples of things that are actually quite a big deal, but we just brush off to the side as if they are not an accomplishment. It can be hard to find grace for ourselves in life, but it is so important. Another thing to keep in mind: not all growth comes with a diploma, ring, house key, or job title. Sometimes the growth we experience is much smaller, but that doesn't take away from the significance.
Detours Aren't Dead Ends
Life throws so many unexpected things at us, sometimes on a daily basis. We make plans for ourselves or our lives that ultimately change for one reason or another. I at one time was engaged and I thought I was done looking. But I realized that I was settling for less than I deserved, so I changed that plan and broke off the relationship. Sometimes we have to take a step back from something. I actually took a year off from college because I needed to deal with things at home and also I could not financially afford to not be working at the time. This ended up actually being the best decision because I gained so much experience subbing than I would have if I had just been in college. Sometimes we realize that a detour teaches you something that the "perfect plan" never would have.
Maybe I'm Exactly Where I Need to Be
When I was younger, I always thought I would be married by 25 and have a child by 30. I had everything all figured out. But life did not go that way. I changed my mind on so many things over the years. I first went to college to be a graphic designer. It was fun at first, but then I realized that I just couldn't see myself doing that the rest of my life. Then I wanted to be an x-ray technician. But I took the first set of classes and said, this is way too hard and not what I am interested in. Then I finally went with what I really wanted to do, teaching. For me, it was scary trying to figure out where I was supposed to be in this world. I did not know who I was supposed to be, what I was supposed to be doing, or where I was supposed to be. But over time I have figured that out.
I started going from "Why am I not there yet?" to "Look how far I've already come." It was a hard adjustment to make because I was so concerned about what others were doing in their lives and what other people wanted from me. But then I realized that life isn't about anyone but what you want. There are so many things that I still want to do and accomplish. But I have come to accept where I am. That doesn't mean that I am giving up on where I am going. It just means that I am content in where I am at now.
Final Thoughts - Maybe I'm Not Behind After All
Turning 30 has definitely made me think a lot about where I am in life. There are still moments when I look around and wonder why I am not married yet, why I haven't finished my degree yet, or why certain things have not happened for me. I am sure there will still be times on social media, I will see someone else's big announcement, and think, "Man, I wish I was there already." But I am learning that someone else reaching a milestone doesn't mean that I am late reaching mine.
When I actually stop and look at everything I have done, I realize that I have accomplished a lot more than I give myself credit for. My life has taken plenty of detours. Some I chose and some I definitely did not. But every single one of them has gotten me where I am today. If everything had happened exactly the way I planned when I was younger, I honestly don't know if I would be the person that I am now. Some of the things that felt like setbacks at the time ended up leading me exactly where I needed to go. I still want the degree. I still want the career. I still want to married someday and hopefully have a family. Those dreams haven't gone anywhere. I am just realizing that they don't have to happen by a certain age for them to still matter.
Turning 30 doesn't mean I missed my chance. It doesn't mean I am late. And it definitely doesn't mean I failed. So maybe I am not behind after all. Maybe life was never supposed to look exactly like anyone else's. Maybe there isn't some invisible finish line that I am desperately trying to catch up to. Maybe I am just running the race of life at my own pace, just like the tattoo on my ankle has been reminding me all along.
I'm not behind. I'm still becoming.
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