When the Answer Isn’t Obvious
We have all met those people who are just a walking red flag... But what about when it isn't as obvious. My previous relationship was much this way. The relationship started out great. He bought me flowers randomly, wrote me love letters and mailed them to me, and never let me question whether or not I was loved. But there was a huge problem, there were also red flags.
Along with all the lovely things that he did, there was also many things that he did that were just plain wrong. He wanted all of my time. If I spent time with anyone else, I would be greeted with many texts asking when I was going to be home, that he missed me and wanted me home. I had experience with controlling relationships in the past, so I ignored the texts and told him that I would be home when I was done spending time with my friend. I had honestly never met anyone so needy in my life. I understood why he was that way though, he had been cheated on in his previous relationship and was scared it was going to happen again. But I quickly communicated that I would not let him control when I was coming and going from my own home and who I spent my time with.
Turns out this was the mildest part of the red flags. They quickly became much much worse. He had warned me in the beginning that he was a lot to handle. Which, I get that, so am I with my mental health issues. However, his were a lot more concerning. Every fight was so beyond way past what it should have been. What should have been small arguments turned into massive fights. At the end of each fight would be the same outcome: him threatening suicide. Now, I have had this happen in the past with my first marriage. We have discussed that before. But he knew what I had been through, sympathized with me and agreed that I shouldn't have ever had to deal with that. I thought that he would understand and never do that to me, but I was wrong. There were several occasions in which he did try to take his life and our nights ended up with him in the ER and multiple psych ward visits. So, although he did so many things right, and I would say that the good outweighed the bad, I should have left.
The Problem With Counting Flags
There is a big problem with counting flags. You say okay, so I have 3 red flags and one red. Seems like the good outweighs the bad here. But is it that, or are you settling for less than you deserve? I speak from experience when I say that better is out there. No red flag people are out there. my current relationship brings me peace and happiness. Although he may get on my nerves, I have never encountered a red flag. So yeah, there might be more green flags than red, but that red one is the one that should be screaming at you to walk away.
What the Green Flags Tell You
Green flags are great. These are the best things about a person.
Some green flags may be:
- Emotional safety and respect
- Communication
- Trust
- Accountability
- Support for your goals
- Kindness during disagreements
- Willingness to grow
- Feeling comfortable being yourself
Those are just a few examples of what a green flag might be. But the important question to ask yourself is: Do I appreciate these qualities because this is a healthy relationship? Or because I once experienced a relationship where basic kindness wasn't guaranteed? We often settle for something that was better than what we had before. Which, it is great that it is something better than we have experienced in the past, but that doesn't mean that we should say.
The Red Flags That Carry More Weight
This is probably the most important section of this whole blog. Red flags are red for a reason. We do not come up to a red light in good consciousness and go, ya know what, I think I will just keep going. We have to stop. The same thing is true with flags. Red means STOP. Do not continue to stay in the relationship because you have more green flags than red. Nope. Red is stop, every single time. I know we all want to be happy and find someone we can love and be with for life. But think about the weight of that. Someone whom we will spend the rest of our lives with. Do you want to be with someone who wipes your tears when you're upset, or be with the person who is causing you to cry?
Red Flag vs. Imperfection
This is an important distinction. We all have flaws. But that doesn't mean they are red flags. My current boyfriend has been hurt a lot in the past and therefore had a hard time trusting that I wouldn't hurt him in the beginning. That is not a red flag, that is a flaw caused by previous trauma. Red flags are things that will hurt you and question why you are with someone. Sometimes someone can have many flaws, but that doesn't mean you should leave them. If they are something that they can work on, communication is key. Bring it up to them. You can say, "I noticed that you do this... I want you to know how that makes me feel." Often times, we are not aware of our actions. So, if you bring it up and communicate the problem, your partner should be able to recognize their behavior and try to make an effort to fix it.
When I first got with my current boyfriend, I did anything I could to avoid a fight. I never brought up things that make me upset, I was afraid of the reaction that I was used to. However, one time I did bring up something that bothered me. He said that he could see how that would upset me and that he would work to fix it...and then he did. I was amazed. I was ready for an argument. I was ready for the "Oh, I am just a terrible person. How could you want to be with me?" that I was used to. But that never happened.
Are You Staying Because You're Happy—or Because Leaving Feels Worse?
We all know that starting over is a nightmare. But, we should not just stay because starting over really sucks. Most people do not want to end up alone. Therefore, we end up settling for less than we are worth. But it is important to know that we should be with someone who makes us happy. We have to take a step back and ask ourselves: "Am I happy?" If the answer is anything less than yes 100% of the time, it is time to walk away.
It is important to know that you will not be alone forever, although that can be how it feels when we leave a relationship. There are more fish in the sea as they say. That is so true. After my last relationship, I was hesitant to get back into the dating world. I was scared that I was never going to find someone who truly made me happy. So, I took it slow, something I am not very good at doing. I went on several dates before I decided that I found one who fit all the imaginary criteria in my head. I ended up finding someone who always makes me happy. He is caring, considerate, funny, family oriented, smart, and many other things. But if I kept holding on to my previous relationship, I would never have found true happiness. So, we just need to learn when to let go.
You Don't Need a Villain to Leave
The person you are with doesn't need to cheat on you, hit you, or belittle you for you to leave. they do not have to be a monster of a person. Sometimes just that one red flag is enough for you to walk away. It might not always be obvious to you. Rely on those around you to gather opinions. Reach out to your friend and ask them if they think this person is really your best match or not. Sometimes an outside opinion is better. They are not bias and are not in love with the person. Love can often cloud our judgement and make us feel like we shouldn't listen to that little voice in our head saying it isn't right.
In Conclusion
Although it can be hard to walk away from someone you love, it might just be the best thing you decide to do. If you do walk away, know that it will be okay. Time heals all wounds. You can find someone better. You do NOT have to settle for less than you deserve!
- Blooming Thoughts Blog
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