The Last Therapy Session
On Monday, I attended my final therapy session, possibly ever. It was bitter sweet. I did not think that I was ready to be done, but my therapist had been suggesting it for months. So, I squeezed in all the time I could with her. I was in therapy for about 3 years. It was a long journey. When I first started I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel and voiced that often. It wasn't a walk in the park. It was really hard. I had to take a long look at myself often and admit that maybe I was part of the problem. That alone is a really hard thing to do.
I did so much work on myself in and out of my therapy sessions. I had to relive all of my traumatic moments that landed me there in the first place. Having to tell it all caused me a lot of hardships. I had to go through nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks. But ignoring the problem does not making it go away. We have to relive our pains in order to conquer them.
The Version of Me Who Started Therapy
Oh gosh. I think back to who I was when I first started therapy and I honestly barely recognize myself. Physically I mostly look the same, but on the inside, I was so different. I was so lost, I was a shell of myself. I had no idea who I even was anymore. Life had beaten me down. I had beaten myself down. I felt that I could not possibly continue on. Suicide was on my mind daily. I could not comprehend ever being okay again or ever identify with being happy.
At the end, I can say that I am happy. I know exactly who I am, exactly what I want in life, and what I don't. I know that I am a caring person. I am someone who looks out for others. I am smart, loving, giving, and most of all strong. I went through so much and I can now talk about it without really thinking twice about it. I can also be there for others whenever they need someone.
I know that I am someone who loves to read, write, do cross-stitch, garden, photography, watch true crime documentaries, and so much more. I have learned so much about myself. I learned things that are not so positive. I learned that I say things to intentionally hurt others when angry. But I also learned how to walk away and come back when I have calmed down. I can truly say that therapy was worth all of the time and work because I came out a better person on the other side.
Therapy Wasn't a Magical Fix
Therapy did a lot of the legwork for me in working towards fixing myself. But it wasn't the only thing. I had to lean on my friends and family. I had to get on the right medications for me. This was a hard feat. I had tried several medications before I found the one that truly helps me in all aspects. That alone can be incredibly frustrating. I also had to be willing to do work outside of therapy sessions. While it was kind of therapy, it was something that I had to choose to do on my own time. Something that worked really well for me was my therapist writing me a journal prompt. It was often something she wanted me to dive deeper into but wanted to give me the time to think over. I also worked out of a workbook for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This really helped me to learn more about it and how to retrain my brain to think more positively.
The Things Therapy Taught Me
The list of things I learned in therapy are honestly endless. But I will narrow it down to the top 10.
1. Put your own happiness first.
This was possibly the most important for me to learn. With BPD comes a lot of abandonment issues. This meant that I would do anything I thought I had to do to keep someone in my life. This included what I wanted to do with my life. I tried to choose the careers that make the most because I thought people cared a lot about that. I also jumped to find something as quick as possible to attend college because my parents really pushed me to go (not a bad thing). But I ended up learning that I should do the things that I want to do. So, I followed my dream of becoming a teacher. I also started this blog, despite some people not being able to understand why I would want to put my life out there for everyone to see.
2. How to create healthy boundaries.
I really struggled with this at first. I had to learn that it is okay to create boundaries with your friends, family members, and anyone in your life. I often let people walk all over me to appease them. But I learned how to gently bring something to someone's attention in order to set a healthy boundaries. Telling someone how something makes you feel goes a long way. Sometimes people may not know their actions/words upset you, so just tell them. Communication is so important in life.
3. The things I went through are not my fault.
This was a really hard one to learn. This is mostly the abuse I went through in various relationships, especially my first marriage. I thought because I kept going back to my abuser, that it was my fault. This is entirely not true. There is a cycle when it comes to abuse. There is a movie that I relate to it is Safe Haven. This is also a Nicholas Sparks book, which is one of my favorite authors (Yes, typical white girl, I know.). The book follows a woman who goes through abuse from her husband. When talking to her new partner about what she went through, she talks about how the abuse becomes what you think you deserve. It makes no sense from an outside person's perspective, but it is very true from a person who has been through it's perspective.
4. Walk away from people who impact you negatively.
This is another thing that is really hard for someone with BPD. I wanted to keep every relationship/friendship that I could because that abandonment was too much to deal with. But I learned that sometimes those relationships end up causing you more harm than good. Sometimes it is just that the person's lifestyle doesn't line up with mine. I have one friend, whom I still consider a friend, used to talk about how drunk they would get all the time. I have decided that I am not really looking to party at all. I just want a meaningful connection with someone. I had to decide to cut that person out of my life.
5. Patterns, patterns, patterns.
I had many behaviors that really showed patterns that I would follow. This is one that used to happen in relationships a lot: things go great > then things start to slow down or I don't see the person as much >so I start to push them away or pull away from the relationship. (I thought I could prevent hurt this way.) > I end up either losing the person or hurting them in the progress. Now I know to just communicate how I am feeling.
6. Learn to accept what you cannot control.
I am the first to tell you that I am a control freak. I like to be in control of everything. The future is something that I cannot control and that would really drive me nuts. My therapist would listen to something that I had anxiety about. She would say: Is this something we can change right now? If the answer was no then I needed to learn how to put it on the back burner until i could do something about it. If the answer was yes, then I needed to start to change whatever it was I was worried about. I still follow this line of self questioning when I experience anxiety.
7. My feelings are valid.
There are some people in my life who have tried to telling me that the things that I was feeling were not valid or worth worrying about. Sometimes someone would have gone through something worse so my problem was not that big. Here is the thing: the things that someone are feeling are VERY real to them, especially in that moment. We can't always understand how to help someone with their problems, or maybe we don't understand their problems, but that doesn't mean that we have to try to discredit their feelings. If you feel like you are dealing with someone and no one could possibly understand what you are going through, write it out. You'd be surprised how good it can feel to just get your feelings out on paper. I would write down my feelings in the moment then read about them at therapy. It can sometimes be hard to think about negative things when you are put on the spot.
8. I am not perfect, and I cannot expect myself to be.
I am a perfectionist and I was taught to always do my best, I for some reason translated that into I need to be perfect. Well as Hannah Montana said, nobodies perfect. It really is true. The best way to learn anything in life is by making mistakes. I am someone who always seems to learn the hard way. But here is the thing... you can't just say oh I made a mistake and do it again, you have to learn from your mistakes.
9. You never know where life is going to take you.
I used to think that oh, everything is doomed, nothing is going to get better. Well actually, you never know where life is going to take you. Three years ago, I would never have guessed that I would be 1 year from getting my teaching, in a healthy relationship, and overall the happiest I had been in years. But I never gave up, I held on for those around me who kept pushing me to keep going. And now I have all the things that I was hoping to have at this point.
10. Do everything at your own pace.
I used to think there was this certain timeline of events that I needed to follow in a certain amount of years. But, I have realized that this is just not true. I am 30 and still in college and that is okay. I don't have to be married or having children along with when my friends/peers are. I just need to take things at my own pace, and that is what I am doing.
Healing Doesn't Mean It Never Hurts Again
This was something that I did not believe at first. I thought that you could only be done when you are 100% fully healed. But that is not true. There are still things that cause me anxiety. There are things that I still struggle to deal with. But I have a lot of tools in my hypothetical tool bag that help me to deal with various issues. I am sure that there will be things in the future that I struggle with and cause me pain. That doesn't mean that I am not equip to deal with then. The best part is that I am actually able to go back to therapy whenever I need.
The Progress I Didn't Notice While It Was Happening
There are so many parts of my progress that I did not even realize that I was experiencing. There are so many things that happen now that I am like wow I would have totally dealt with this differently a few years ago. A lot of the stuff is anxiety related. My anxiety stemmed from me feeling I needed to be perfect and worrying about things that I had no business worrying about.
I started to question my worries and knock them down before they even become a real problem. I also have learned how to deal with my anger. I used to have a lot of rage. This comes from trauma and BPD. I used to just explode at people, say whatever I could to be right and/or hurt them. Now, as I said earlier, I have learned to say, ya know what, I am really upset right now and I do not want to say something I don't mean, I am going to take some space. Do I still mess up? Of course, but it is so much less than it used to be.
The most important thing that I didn't notice happening, was learning to love myself again. As soon as I started to make positive changes, I started to love myself again. I had been so displeased with who I was for so long, that I have not been able to love myself. I now know that I am enough, and I am a good person, despite my past and any of my past decisions.
Saying Goodbye to My Therapist
This was something that was so hard for me to do. I cried when I got to the car when I realized, I may never see her again. We got to know each other so much over the years. I saw her once a week at first then every other week for an hour each time. You learn a lot about each other in that span of time. I looked forward to therapy every week and it was something that I always came out feeling better than when I went in. She helped me navigate every day problems as well as big life problems. She was someone who I would trust with my life, I mean I basically did with being in therapy. She truly saved me from my own self destruction and I am forever grateful for her. I am also grateful that she has let me know that she is always there if I ever need her again. I am forever grateful for the experience and I think that everyone who is struggling can benefit from therapy.
If You’re Struggling, Please Reach Out
One of the biggest things therapy taught me is that asking for help is not something to be ashamed of. You do not have to wait until you have completely fallen apart to reach out for support. Whether you are struggling with your mental health, going through something difficult, or simply feel like you cannot handle everything on your own anymore, there are people who are willing to listen.
If you need support, here are a few resources available in the United States:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for free, confidential crisis support. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, emotional distress, or suicidal thoughts, trained crisis counselors are available 24/7.
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained volunteer Crisis Counselor. The service is free, confidential, and available 24/7 for people experiencing anxiety, depression, loneliness, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or simply an overwhelming moment.
NAMI HelpLine: Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or text NAMI to 62640 for mental health information, resources, and emotional support. The NAMI HelpLine is available Monday through Friday from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET. This is not a crisis line.
SAMHSA National Helpline: Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for information and treatment referrals related to mental health and substance use.
You can also reach out to your doctor, a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or another person you feel safe talking to. If the first person you reach out to doesn't understand or isn't able to help, please don't let that be the reason you stop asking.
And if therapy is something you have been considering, you don't need to have everything figured out before you walk through that door. I certainly didn't. Sometimes asking for help is simply the first step toward figuring it out.
You are allowed to need support. You are allowed to ask for help. And you do not have to struggle quietly.
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