How to Date a Narcissist...Don't

Hi everyone!

Welcome back to those who have read any of my previous blogs. Welcome to first time readers! If you’ve been with me, you may know my story about my previous experiences in life. If not, I encourage you click here to read one of my previous blog posts in which explains what happened to inspire this current blog post.

 

What is a narcissist?

Anyways, let’s get back to it. So, what exactly is a narcissist? A narcissist is defined as a person who is overly self-involved; and often vain and selfish. I know this is kind of vague. To get a better understanding I will go over what behaviors and signs will be displayed if you come across someone who may be a narcissist.  

 

Signs of Narcissism

- lack of empathy

- need for admiration

- willingness to exploit others

- entitlement

- not taking responsibility for own actions, instead always putting blame on others

- refusing to admit to being wrong, even if they are presented with evidence that they are indeed wrong

- downplaying other’s accomplishments

- boasting about their accomplishments

- unwarranted jealousy

- turning every conversation into a conversation about themselves

- asking for favors/help but not reciprocating when asked to give it

- guilt tripping

- difficulty working in team settings (ex: work/school groups) – refusal to listen to other’s ideas, dismissing other’s suggestions, insisting on doing most of work themselves

- believing they deserve special treatment

- overly critical of others

 

From this list it may seem as though it would be super easy to identify a narcissist. However, sometimes the signs are so subtle or stay hidden for a portion of time. In my own experience, I found that my ex-husband was very good at hiding it in the beginning. He did everything “right” until he convinced me that it would be a great idea to get married. He also made me feel like I wanted it and so I played along with the idea of getting married so early into a relationship. I also was 19, which means it was one of those typical “young and dumb” situations. He constantly showered me with compliments, attention, and gifts. After a high school relationship that had really broke my heart, I was so pleased to have found someone whom I thought truly loved me again. Of course, I also was graduated from high school, of course in college, but still I felt I was an adult and therefore it was a valid decision. Once we did get married, he instantly showed his true colors; it was all downhill from there.

 

Red Flags are like Stop Signs…STOP!

We all know those things called red flags. It is super important not to ignore those red flags no matter how late in a friendship/relationship they show up. They are called red flags for a reason, red means stop. Now not every red flag is worthy of ending that friendship/relationship. Some are ones that may be resolved, but others, especially if there are multiple, are end worthy.

 

Step One to Address a Red Flag

The first thing you should do if you come across a red flag is confide in someone about it, or even journal about it if you don’t feel comfortable telling someone. By telling someone else, they will be able to help you discern whether or not there is a real problem or whether it is just something that you are overreacting about. Sometimes we can look too much into things so that outside viewpoint helps to sort that out. The reason a journal is also a good option is because you can look back and see if that red flag is still occurring or whether it has resolved. You could also use a combination of both options.

 

Step Two to address a Red Flag

If you are bold enough you can skip the first mentioned step and skip right to this one. If not, the next step is to talk directly to your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. Simply say something like; “Hey, I really didn’t appreciate when you did this, it really hurt.”, or “I noticed that you do this/say this and I really would appreciate if you would stop.” This lets the person know what it is that they could be doing that they might not be aware they are doing. If they truly care about you, they will be willing to discuss why they do this, apologize, and either stop, or work on whatever it is that they need to in order to fix it.

 

Narcissists are Master Manipulators

If the person is a narcissist, they will somehow turn the problem back into something you did or blame you for the reason they do that. They will not sincerely apologize and certainly will not change their behaviors. Sometimes when blaming you, they can be a master at making you feel bad that you would even think that way. If this happens and you come across this type of response, it is vital that you do not ignore this behavior. This is no longer a red flag but a narcissist flag. I encourage you to get out of that situation as soon as possible. It is less important to end a friendship over this depending on the severity of the issue you are presenting the person with. But in an intimate relationship, it is 100% leave worthy. I can promise you that it will get worse over time.

 

Settling isn’t Worth Your Happiness

You might be wondering why do people ignore red flags, or maybe why you yourself ignore red flags? Well, the answer is simple, we all just want to be loved. I know that in the past I ignored them because I thought well everything else is good, I can deal with this one thing I don’t like. But it is more than just something that you don’t like, it is a warning. Simply put, we settle for less than we deserve in order to find a life partner. Most of us are looking for someone to spend our lives with, maybe have a family with. Dating can be exhausting. Especially the older you get and the closer you get to that feeling that you are truly ready to settle down. We start to accept more and more wrongs in a relationship because it can feel like that window of time is closing on us.

 

The truth is, there is no set time to do things in life. We often look at others’ lives and want what they have. Sometimes that can be a successful marriage, children, even successful careers. Is it true that there is an average time in one’s life that those things happen, yes. However, everyone is different. Life is not a race. The more you try to quicken the process the more you will be willing to deal with in order to get there. At the end of the day, you end up deep down knowing you are unhappy, but at least you have someone. Now, what if you could have more? What if I told you the wait and pain of seeing others “succeed” before you will be worth it in the end? Well, I am here to tell you that it is.

 

We all only live this life once. We get one shot to make this life the best it can be. Well, when you look back on your life, are you going to be able to say that you were truly happy? That you were able to feel alive rather than just living? If the answer is no, then you should take a deeper look into why that is and start making changes. These changes might be extremely difficult, but the end result is your own happiness and living a fulfilling life!

 

How to Leave a Narcissist: Friendship

If you are at the point where you realize that you need to end a friendship/relationship due to their narcissism, there are a few ways to do so. If the relationship is a friendship, there are two options. Option one: slowly distance yourself over time until you completely stop communicating. Option two: have a conversation with said person about why you need to take a step back from the friendship. I should warn you that this conversation will more than likely not be an easy conversation. The person will more than likely blame everything on you and make you feel guilty. But stand your ground and stand by your decision. You can even offer an opportunity for redemption in the future but be stern on a break from friendship for the current moment.

 

How to Leave a Narcissist: Intimate Relationship

If the relationship is an intimate relationship, this can become trickier as there are more complex feelings involved in an intimate relationship. My best advice is to just rip the Band-Aid off. There isn’t going to be any easy way to go about it. Of course this should be something talked about in person, unless there is a special circumstance that makes this a bad option. For example, an abusive partner, or the conversation happening to come up in text and there is no way around it.

 

The best place to have this conversation is in a public place. This ensures that you can just leave if you need to and that their behavior is limited to the societal norms of behavior in a public space. Of course, there is that possibility that they still could display explosive behavior, but your chances of this are certainly lower in a public space. Always try to stay as calm as possible in the conversation, as hard as that may be. If the person starts to become explosive, the best thing to do is to physically walk away. You can even tell them that you understand why they are upset but that you need to walk away from the situation to give them the space to process. This shows that you are empathetic and also confirming that it truly is over by letting them know they should also leave to process things.

 

If after the conversation the person reaches out to you, which they more than likely will, you have a few choices here. You can remind them that your decision is final and that you are sorry they are hurting. You can also choose to block them. A narcissist will beg for you but also when they do not get their way will try their best to knock you down. Sometimes it is best just to block them so that you can sever the ties completely and try to heal.

 

How to Start the Conversation

My suggestion is to point out to them that you have been unhappy and why you are unhappy. That after waiting for change, you’ve realized that they are not willing to make the changes in the relationship needed for you to stay. Therefore, you have decided that it is best to break things off. You can also throw in that this may not be what they think is best, but that you know it is what is best for yourself. Be very specific in your reasoning for why you are leaving. This can help you remind yourself mid conversation that you are indeed doing the right thing. This also brings things to their attention with the hope that they can fix this for when they choose to try again in a new relationship.

 

Leaving a Narcissist: My Experience

My ex-husband was excellent at making me feel trapped. His manipulation tactic, as many of you know who have read previously, was threatening suicide. He used guilt to make me stay. I cannot count on my two hands the number of times I tried to leave. But a few things kept me from doing so. Of course, he would either swallow pills right in front of me, or simply just threaten that he would kill himself if I left. One specific time that I tried to leave he opened our apartment door, and said “Leave if you want to the door is open. But know that if you do, I will take my car and run it at full speed into a tree, or just straight off a cliff.” I felt so conflicted. If I followed through with leaving, there was that chance that he would do it, he already had tried to commit suicide in front of me. In that instance I would feel as though his blood was on my hands. But there was a chance that he was just saying anything he could to get me to stay. I was not willing to take that chance then.

 

I was never strong enough to walk away from him myself. Because when you are with someone who is mentally/physically abusive, something within you changes. You start to believe the things they say, you start to believe that this is all you deserve. You are stuck in this loop of wanting to leave but being convinced you can’t so therefore you just sort of settle.

 

The last time he ended things with me. He claimed that I was too back and forth for him and that he couldn’t handle me anymore. I came to realize years later that this was not true and that if I was this way, it was because of the time spent being toyed with. Anyways, he said he wanted a divorce for good. I was flabbergasted. In my head, things had been fine, we hadn’t been fighting as much and we were, I thought, overall happy. But clearly, I was wrong. So, after about a week, I left Ohio for the last time back to New York. I was so distraught that I had to have my parents meet me halfway. I will never forget what my mom told me later about how I looked. She said it looked as though I hadn’t slept in a very long time, and that if she didn’t know me better, she would think I was on drugs. I was unable to hold a conversation, unable to focus. My hair was matted where my hair extensions has grown out and I had stopped brushing my hair. I was a total mess.

It did not take long for him to try to get me back. Less than a week later. He had texted me telling me how sorry he was and that he wanted me back. I had to fight hard to not give in. But I stood by that I was not going to go back. I knew that this cycle would be a never ending one and that I couldn’t do it anymore. Because he could pretty readily always get me back in the past, his tone changed almost immediately once I denied him that chance. He actually at one point told me that he wished I was aborted. Which if you know of my birth story, you will understand why this comment would cut like a knife. He also proceeded to tell me that no one will ever love me because I am too crazy. That comment still sticks with me to this day and I still feel scared of this possibility.

 

So how did I get through it? I also had to deal with a divorce. This meant that I couldn’t exactly block him because I had to push him to keep things going. He dragged his feet for about a year, until finally it was all over. But throughout that whole time, he still tried, over and over. I confided in my family and friends on what had truly been happening behind closed doors. It feels shameful to talk about. But I did it. Once it all came out, those around me were extremely supportive of me and helped me to stay strong and not give up on myself. Along with leaning on others, I also printed out words of encouragement and taped them to the walls of my bedroom and read them daily, sometimes multiple times a day. They had said things like; you deserve better, you don’t need him, you can do this, etc.

 

My Hope for You

I hope that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist that nothing ever goes how things went for me. But the reason I rambled on about what happened to me, is to show a glimpse of how life could be for you if you choose to stay. Obviously, everyone is different, and you could have a much easier experience with someone, and your relationship may seem okay. But it will get worse over time. That is why it is imperative to leave as soon as possible. Do not ignore the red flags. The consequences of staying can be catastrophic. Change can be scary, especially if a divorce or children are involved. But it is important to remember that simple fact that we only live this life once. I want you to be able to look back on your life when your time on this earth is coming to an end and say you know what, I lived a good life filled with happiness. Life will always have its challenges but your partner in this life should not be one. Of course, every relationship has its ups and downs, but it should ultimately bring you happiness.

 

Life After Being with a Narcissist

If you have been with a narcissist, especially for an extended period of time, I am not going to sugar coat things. Life won’t be easy. You will have to relearn how to love and accept love. Your views will change on love. Trust will not come easy. You may also find that you feel you do not want anyone for the fear you will go through another disaster. Know that it is okay to take your time. Process all that happened. If you are having a hard time processing, please consider therapy. It is not a sign of weakness to need help. We all need help sometimes. And it is also okay if you want to just move on with your life and find someone new. That first relationship after the narcissist will be the hardest one. But know that it will get better if you work at it. The right person will understand and help you navigate how you are feeling.

 

Overall, do not settle for less than you deserve. If it doesn’t make you overall happy, it’s time to either attempt to bring the issue to attention and fix it or leave. After my ex-husband, it took me years before I felt I even wanted to get married again. I used to be convinced that I would never marry again because I did not want to ever be trapped again. However, through therapy I was able to sort through my feelings and realize that I cannot compare everyone to him. Every person is their own person. I eventually realized that I do want to get married again someday. I am aware that the idea of marriage is becoming more and more less important. But to me, marriage is a sacred bond. Someone who is there for you throughout all life throws at you. I also still believe that marriage should mean forever. I came to realize that I do want marriage, children (which I have always wanted and never wavered from wanting), and to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.

 

A light at the End of the Tunnel

Although I have been through so much in those times with my ex-husband. I have healed from it. Do I still have flashbacks sometimes? Of course. But overall, I have healed. With each relationship that I had post marriage, I was able to learn more about myself and what I am looking for. I even got to a point where I was engaged. It was a hard decision to end that engagement, but I am proud of myself for not ignoring my unhappiness and not choosing to settle for less than I deserve.

 

As most know, I am in a new relationship. This relationship is one that I feel confident is my last one. I truly feel as though I have found my soulmate. We actually communicate, both of us! If we ever have any issues that arise, we bring it to the other person’s attention and talk about it. After every little spat, we may have we always talk about it and grow from it. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company. We spend every moment we can together and as we have both been through horrible relationships, we can relate and understand when the other has a thought process that was formed from those past relationships. We are able to be there for each other and rely on each other. Most importantly, we love each other. It is obvious on both sides that it is genuine. That feeling of my feelings being 100% reciprocated and my efforts being 100% reciprocated is so foreign to me. It feels amazing.

 

Now instead of wondering if I am truly loved, having doubts, or being put down, I am cherished and loved for all parts of me, even the ugly ones. While reading books, listening to songs, or watching movies and shows that are about romance, you always think oh that kind of love does not really exist. Well, I can tell you that it does. Those books, songs, movies and shows were not created from nothing. I no longer open doors when we are together. Some may not appreciate this, but I do. He has me wait in the car while he comes around to open it for me. Every single time I go to work or am at college long enough to need a meal he makes my lunch, EVERY SINGLE TIME. In every lunch is also a post-it with a little love note for me. He writes me love letters, leaves love notes in my college notebooks, planners, and sometimes around the house to find when I come home from a long day. He is always reminding me how beautiful he thinks I am inside and out. We have date night every single Friday even if it is just staying in to watch movies and order take out pizza. The day after Thanksgiving it was time for me to decorate the house for Christmas. When the time came to put up the tree he was excited to do this with me along with listen to Christmas music in the process. And when we finished, he offered his hand to me to slow dance to the song “Halleluiah” when that came on. No longer am I expected to take care of everything around the house. He steps up and takes care of so much housework, virtually all of it actually. His reasoning is because he sees how hard I work between actual work and college and wants me to be able to focus on my studies. I could go on and on about the things he does for me, but that is not the point here.

 

The Point

The point of that long ramble is to never give up looking for happiness. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Each person we come across is put in our lives for a reason, whether to stay and teach us how to be happy, or to teach us something about ourselves. If you are someone who has been with a narcissist, or have been in an abusive relationship, then let my story be hope that you too can find happiness. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Even if you choose that you would rather just go through life without being in another relationship do that. Do whatever it is that brings you happiness.

 

If you are someone who is currently with a narcissist. Please do yourself a favor and get out. I know it can be extremely hard to leave, but trust me, it is so worth it in the end. Stick with your decision and fight for yourself. No matter what happens, you can get through anything you put your mind to. I believe in you. And if you need extra help, I am always here for people who need someone to talk to. Or you can always get into therapy. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge advocate for therapy. I wouldn’t be here without it.

 

In Conclusion

I know this was a very long read. I hope that you all made it this far. If you have, thank you so much for reading. If you chose not to continue well then, I guess you won’t see this. But, as always, I hope that my story and my advice can help at least one person who may be out there struggling. Life really knows how to kick you when you’re down sometimes. I hope I can be part of what helps to pick you back up, dust off the dirt and keep fighting. You are worth it! I will see you in the next blog post!

- Jacasa Currie - Blooming Thoughts Blog

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