As I have mentioned before in previous blogs, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. We can often become misinformed about what personality disorder are, label people as crazy, dismiss them, or treat them differently. Overall, people with any kind of mental health disorders are just people. Our brains produce different chemical levels and therefore causes us to think differently or act differently.
It is also important to keep in mind that not every person is the same even if they have the same disorder as someone else, everyone is effected differently.
BPD is usually caused by some form of childhood trauma. For me this was formed from my adoption. There wasn't anything about the actual adoption itself but about the fact that my biological father chose to walk away. Although it isn't about me in particular but more about that he probably wasn't ready to be a father at such a young age, it really got stuck in my head that he did not want me. This created some tension between me and my adoptive dad because my brain told me that my dad didn't want me because no dad wants me. This is entirely untrue and I wasn't ever shown that kind of treatment to think that, it was just how my brain made me think. I also had met my biological father once, even after a paternity test, he refused to want any form of contact with me, which did not help.
I started to experience a lot of mental health issues when I started high school. Over all it was a big change for me but I also started to process a lot of things. I also started to feel a lot of pressure to do well in school and to go to college, which weighed heavy on me. There was nothing wrong with that pressure, I was just extremely hard on myself. I also started to have a lot of anxiety and depression. Because I was trying to impress everyone and live up to societal standards, I started to starve myself and throw up whenever I did eat. I was not sleeping well and would often times find focusing near impossible and would become easily confused. I remember one specific time that I was playing volleyball and I was messing up left and right and actually ended up cheering for the other team because other people were clapping. I thankfully started to get a little better after that.
I also felt so much anxiety about going to school because I was experiencing a lot of social anxiety and having a hard time with friendships. There was a lot of drama happening and also I was having relationship issues and just found that I just wanted to lay in my bed all day. I remember not wanting to live anymore. Those are very big feelings for a young teen to be having. My grades started to drop, I started to disassociate a lot and just changed overall as a person.
It also was really hard at home because my parents did not understand why I could be feeling the way I was feeling. They had never dealt with mental health issues before and were struggling to understand me. In their eyes they saw that they were providing for me and giving me everything I ever wanted, so why was I thinking about killing myself? It was extremely hard for me to understand myself.
When I went to college things just got worse. I was supposed to be on the volleyball team at my college but decided not to because I wanted more time with my then boyfriend. This person was extremely toxic for me although I refused to see it. We ended up breaking up a few months into college. I started to feel extremely alone and even more depressed. One big thing about BPD is doing anything to avoid real or imagined abandonment. So, I did anything to keep my relationships even if they cheated, or treated me badly.
During my first year, I met a guy on Tinder who ended up sending me for a tailspin. The first few months were great and he seemed to be Mr. Right. After only three months he convinced me that it was a great idea to get married. So, without any of my family's knowledge we went to the court house and got married. The weekend after that I found out that he had cheated on me. When confronted he told me it was my fault because I had left him lonely and alone for the weekend visiting my parents. No one had ever said something like this to me before and so I yelled at him and told him that is not how that works and that we had just gotten married. In reaction to this he punched a hole in the wall. Scared, I ran to our bedroom where I proceeded to lock myself in. He came yelling said if I didn't let him in he would break the door down. I didn't want to open the door because I was scared, so he did. He broke the door off of its hinges and I immediately ran around to the other side of the bed. He then proceeded to tell me that if he couldn't have me then he would kill himself and proceeded to shove a handful of pills in his mouth and then threw his drink at me. I had never ever been in that kind of situation so I just made him spit them out and said that we could work on things.
This behavior would go on for months. He would cheat, gaslight me and threaten suicide and then I would stay. I felt extremely trapped. I wanted to leave so bad, but in my head his blood would be on my hands and I could never live with that. Turns out that usually is just an empty threat, and even if he did it would never be my fault because that is something that they chose to do.
I felt worse than I had ever felt up until that point. But I wanted to live because at this point I had met my three sisters and they saved me from myself. So, instead I started to drink. I drank a bottle of wine every night when I got home from work. It got to the point where I was rolling around on the floor one night because I was so drunk. My ex told me it was me or the alcohol and I chose him. That was about the only good thing he ever did for me.
After a little while we unexpectedly lost his mom with whom we were living with. This caused us to have to find a new place to live, after living with my biological family for a little while, we, more like he, decided to live in Ohio with his adoptive parents. So, I left everything behind and moved out there with him. I was only there for a few months when I came home one day to my stuff packed in the garage and was told I needed to leave. I was no longer welcome in their household, I was inconsiderate, crazy, and it just wasn't working anymore.
And so, I moved back to New York. I lived with my Grandma for only two weeks when he reached out to me and told me that he was "making the biggest mistake of his life and wanted me to come back out and try again." Of course I did and after another few months he decided again that I was no longer worth his time, was crazy and inconsiderate. So, I moved back to New York a second time. Little did I know the worse was yet to come.
For almost two years I fought with him to get a divorce he kept dragging his feet on paperwork, among other things. He constantly tried to win me back and it took a lot for me not to go back. I wrote affirmations on papers and taped them in my room where I could read them every day in order to remind myself that I deserved better. I also was being told that if I were to return to him, I would not hear from certain people again. These things got me through it.
Also in the process of trying to get me back I received a text message from his dad's phone saying that he had shot himself but had survived and that I should come see him, I told him no way was I doing that. When that failed, a few weeks later I got another text from his dad's phone stating that he had killed himself and that they needed me to handle the funeral processions. I told them that there was no way I was doing that, we were getting a divorce and I couldn't handle that. Then I received a call from his phone, it was him! He said, "You didn't sound very upset!" I proceeded to curse him out. He told me that he thought that if I came down there I would see he was okay and we could work on being together again. I told him that was insane and why would he think that faking death would make me want to be with him?! It was the craziest thing that I had ever experienced.
Finally we had the court date to end everything, when I heard his voice, I started to feel scared and just wanted to get things done with. For a few years, he would continue to try to contact me, even after blocking him on social media. He even went as far as finding one of my email accounts and emailing me.
I was okay for about a year when I got a phone call saying that my ex had reached out to see why I was not paying the loan that was still in both of our names. I was so paranoid that he was going to find me that I was backed into a corner of my kitchen visibly shaking. Thankfully my parents paid the loan off for me. I will never be able to tell them how much that did for me or how much I appreciated that.
Over the years I had seen several therapists. Some of them gave me some strategies for calming down panic attacks or strategies to fall asleep when I was dealing with insomnia. But, I never felt like I could be honest with any of them. Until I met my most recent therapist at Chenango County Behavioral Health. I cannot express how much she changed my life. She took the time to listen to me when I said that there was more than just depression and anxiety going on.
So, together we came to my diagnosis. For me, it helped me to understand why I was feeling what I was feeling and why I was acting certain ways. From there, we had to work on reliving the traumas that I went through and retrain my brain. I also ended up taking prescription medications as well.
My PTSD would affect my focus and mostly my sleep. I would have nightmares and flashbacks daily. Eventually it got to a point where it was happening less and less until it wasn't happening at all. There are still things to this day that will trigger me. Sometimes if someone comes at me fast or yells it reminds me of what I went through and I will immediately retreat into myself. But I have learned not to compare others to my ex and to understand that I am not in danger, and to take some deep breaths.
I still get effected by my BPD to this day. Although, I have "graduated" from therapy and no longer take any medications. I will sometimes feel that empty feeling creeping in or disassociate. I also sometimes fear that my fiancé will leave me, even though it is obvious that he wont. But these are things that I have learned to deal with and accept. When they happen I remind myself that these feelings are not real and that everything is okay.
Although these things may have been hard to read about, it is important to understand that with the proper treatment and education we can get through anything we set our mind to. Whenever you see someone, just remember that you have no idea what that person is dealing with or has dealt with and to treat everyone with kindness. The world would be a lot better place if we could have a better understanding of mental health and stop passing judgement on others.
If you or anyone you know has experienced any suicidal thoughts or actions do not hesitate to call a trusted person, or you can call 24/7 at the Suicide and Crisis Hotline by dialing 988, or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
If you or anyone you know has experienced alcohol addiction, you can also call the Suicide and Crisis Hotline for that as well at 988 to receive guidance, or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline to find treatment at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
If you or anyone you know has been a victim of domestic violence you can reach out to the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.
There are many resources out there to help people through any situation. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are many people experiencing the same issues and you can find help right now.
I am also someone who keeps the doors open to anyone who needs someone to talk to. Sometimes you just need someone to listen.
- Jacasa Currie - Blooming Thoughts Blog
Thank you!! I appreciate it!!
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