A Letter To Anyone Who Feels Like Giving Up

Dear Reader,

If you are reading this, maybe you are a follower of my blogs, or perhaps you're reading this because you are at your breaking point and are looking for a reason to keep going. Well, if you are either of those, I am glad you are here. 

Throughout my life, I have had many, many times that I have felt like giving up. There have been many times that I felt as though the world would be better off without me. I know many readers do not feel comfortable when they read/hear those kinds of things. But these are my truths. There have been many times that I have looked in the mirror and said horrible things to myself, such as calling myself those little words that cut like a knife: ugly, fat, stupid, lazy, failure, waste of space, worthless, useless, not worthy, crazy, weak... the list goes on forever. 

But now when I look at myself I see someone who is beautiful (for the most part, I still have my insecurities, of course), compassionate, caring, hard-working, independent, and most of all STRONG. 

It hasn't been an easy road to get here. If you haven't read my story, I encourage you to. And when you do, or if you have, I want you to think about how strong I am now. I am finally able to say that I have pushed through some of the darkest times in my life and finally made it to the brightest. If you are going through your darkest period right now, do not give up. Keep fighting. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing stopping you from your light is everyone else; if you want it, keep fighting, and I beg you to do so.

But know that it is NOT easy. When I started with therapy this past time, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I had gotten to the point where I was wondering what my purpose was, who I was, and why I was. I was a shell of a person. People would ask me what hobbies I had, and I listed some mundane things, but in all reality, I had no idea. I felt that the pain and control I had gone through had stripped all that away from me. I was not allowed to be anything, not allowed to dream anymore, not allowed to think for myself. I became numb to everything. If someone were to tell me to describe myself during that time, I would have no idea what to say because I did not know myself. 

It took almost 3 years of therapy in order to find myself. It took that long to really dig deep and look into myself. I had to do a lot of soul searching, a lot of bridge burning and building in order to find me. I had to build myself back up from scratch.

The hardest part is talking about it. That is the hardest part of therapy: the talking. Of course, you're thinking, isn't that what therapy is? Well, of course, it is. But it is also internal work in which you do outside any therapy session. But it's the talking that is the hardest. And, it would probably be the hardest for you, my reader. But, when you do, it is as if a weight is lifted off your shoulders afterward. This means talking about those intrusive thoughts and all the events that led up to this point.

I spent those three years reliving all the trauma and thought processes I had developed. It was extremely hard to talk and relive, and many times, I dreaded going to therapy because I knew I would have to talk about it all. But after, I felt so much better. Because it was finally all out there for someone other than myself. I was ashamed that I had been with someone romantically who put me through that mental and physical abuse, especially the physical abuse. I told myself I would never be with someone who put their hands on me. I had known and learned about those things, never actually witnessed them, but knew it was something that I never ever wanted for myself. So, I went through so much self-blame and guilt, knowing I let this all happen to me.

But the biggest thing I learned in therapy, as far as that situation goes, is that it is NOT my fault. Nor is it your fault, reader, if you have ever been or are being abused. The problem is NOT you!! No one should ever go through that. And know, that you do NOT deserve it. When you go through something like that, you start to think that kind of relationship is something that you deserve and you'll never deserve better, so therefore, you continue to settle for less than you deserve.

Well, know this... you DO deserve better!! 

If you're reading this and you aren't going through what I went through exactly, the same thing still applies... you DO deserve better!! You deserve a better life away from all the burden and hurt that you have endured and continue to endure. 

There are many reasons that someone may come to feel they want to end their life. Whatever it is that you have gone through or are going through, keep fighting for your life. Do NOT give up. Everything happens for a reason. Although I, of course, didn't want to go through any of that stuff I went through, I wouldn't have it any other way because I wouldn't be who I am without it. But, you have to want it for yourself, a better life, a happier life. And you're going to have to fight harder than ever to get there. But, trust me, when you get there, it is the most amazing feeling in the entire world, and you'll feel so strong that not the roughest of situations could break you.

That is the point that I am at now. Do I have my moments where I still feel upset and still have my triggers for my PTSD? Of course, but I know that no matter what, I love this life, and I don't ever want to stop being here. There is so much to live for. What you have to focus on right now is the light at the end of the tunnel. I know you can't see it, but I can. I can see it for you, and it is beautiful. 

So, how do you get to where I am? Of course, that decision starts with you. You have to be ready to change everything; you have to want it, like I said. Because I can sit here behind my keyboard and tell you to help yourself until I cannot type anymore, however true, change will not happen until you are ready to do the work yourself. Until you decide, okay, ya know what, enough is enough; I am ready to get better. It is a huge and hard decision, but it is one that you will not regret.

When you do find that you are ready, and make that decision, you have to be ready to be more honest than you care to be with any random person, maybe even yourself. You have to tell that trained professional EVERYTHING! And it is HARD!! You will feel ashamed and embarrassed. But you have to understand that this is what they are trained to do. They are trained to be biased and help you navigate your thoughts/feelings/experiences. 

Finding a therapist/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist is not an easy task. You will find lots of them, there is a plethora of them. But you want to find someone who specializes in the things you have dealt with. If that isn't an option, then just keep trying different ones until you find someone whom you can be open and honest with and feel comfortable talking to. You have all the power in your own healing process. It can be hard, to be honest and say that it isn't working for you, but it is important, to be honest with the people working with you. Many places have various providers that you can try out. It is a process, but it is worth it. I have gone through several of them, but I finally found one that I felt really listened and felt comfortable telling things to and, so I ran with it. 

When you end up finding the right one, you gotta be willing to lay it all out for them, your thoughts, feelings, and experiences that you have gone through that led you there. Just think of it this way... If you are experiencing migraines every single night, you decide, okay, I need to call the doctor's office to make an appointment. But, when you get there, you only tell them you are having pain every night. When they ask you where, you are too afraid to tell them it's migraines, so you either say oh, the pain is in my foot or you say you don't know where the pain is in your body. Now, how in the world is the doctor going to be able to help you? They can't. 

The same goes for therapy. Professionals cannot provide you with help if they do not know what is wrong. So, just be honest. And do not be afraid that you will be "sent away". I had that fear that I would be put into a mental hospital. I was honest about that fear with my therapist, and they do have certain policies they need to follow. But they would be able to decipher if that is something necessary or not. In my case, I had put myself there a few times in my life and was able to get more immediate help in the aspect of medication and counseling, so it isn't all bad.

There are so many options these days for counseling. Because of COVID, we now have more options for therapy. Almost all places now have a virtual option. However, I prefer to be in person. But, sometimes, that is hard to find, especially now. Remember to look at what places take insurance, too. Because we now have virtual therapy appointments, we are able to access more offices and people who will accept various health insurance. So, don't stop looking.

And the most important thing of all is to remember that there is no overnight fix. You don't just walk in there and sit down for one session and become healed. It will take A LOT of time. But always keep in mind that your happiness and peace of mind are the main goals and that you will get there; you just have to be patient and work hard.

What can you expect once you get there? And by there, I mean to the light at the end of the tunnel. You can expect to look back and see where you started and be proud of yourself. Proud of all the work you did and that you stuck things out. You can expect that you will make choices that will be for YOU, not for anyone else. You will learn to stop caring what anyone thinks. I have had moments where people tried to drag me down, say hurtful things, and offer their opinion when I didn't need it. But, ultimately, it is YOUR life. You have to do what is best for you. If reading makes you happy, then read. If dancing around your house jamming out to music makes you happy, then do that. If changing your career makes you happy, do that. It doesn't matter whether it is something big or something small and silly. Always do things for YOU. At the end of the day, you are the #1 person in your life. 

Most of all, you can expect happiness. True happiness. You will someday stand on your own two feet and look at yourself and say wow, I am strong, and I am important, and I am glad I made the choice to get help and/or keep fighting.

And to those who have gone through similar experiences as me as far as the relationship trauma goes... someday you will find someone who loves you for you, all your faults, and all your good qualities. And they will treat you way better than you ever thought possible. And you will find true happiness. But, until you get there, you gotta put in that work on yourself, when you are strong, the best will come to you. Be patient and mindful of yourself, and never ignore the red flags; they are called red flags for a reason.

Overall, just do NOT give up. Everything will be okay in the end. Your life is worth living. I truly believe that everyone's life is worth living and that everyone can change for the better no matter how horrible it may all seem right now. The first step starts with you. I encourage you to take that leap of faith, to keep fighting and working towards that light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this.

Love, 

Jacasa

P.S.

Always remember to lean on those around you who are willing to support you. I am one of those people, my readers. I am always here for you all if you EVER need someone to talk to, that is part of why I started this blog in the first place. Do NOT hesitate to reach out!!